New Year’s Day was the one year anniversary of my father-in-law’s passing. I have experienced other losses over the last few years, but his death hit differently. I was reminded of how fragile life is and how we are not promised tomorrow no matter how old we are.

Yesterday, I hosted an end of year reflection breakfast to give some of my coaching clients an opportunity to reflect on this year and set intentions for 2024. Do you ever take time at the end of the year to reflect on all that happened?

Here I (we?!) are on Christmas Eve scurrying to get everything ready for the morning. Things on my late evening to do mostly include activities that will help keep the lore of Santa and his elves alive for my kids while allowing my sick husband to get better before tomorrow when we'll be looking to him to cook our Christmas meal.

This morning I drove Ila to an 8am track meet because indoor season has begun. If you follow me on Instagram and engage with my Stories, you know my plight as a non-sports person begrudgingly turned dedicated track mom. Being a track mom is something else, I tell ya’. But, I digress.

I keep our family meeting agenda on my phone and I jot down things I see everyone doing that I want to highlight at our meeting. You’d be surprised how quickly you forget all the great things your loved ones do throughout the day.

It's been a while since I've sent a weekly email. I took a nine-month break to write a book proposal! It was a whole moment, y’all. Between the stores, my coaching practice, and the kids and Nick, I had to let the weekly emails go until I finished the proposal. Making that decision was hard, as was writing the proposal (it’s different from writing the actual book). But, it needed to be done.

And now I’m back!

I don’t know what kind of consumer you are. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to spend unnecessarily and I always want there to be a return on investment (ROI) for everything I buy whenever possible. How I’ve come to define my ROI has changed over the years. Today, I define ROI as anything that saves me time, improves my quality of life, and/or makes me money.

It has been such an honor to bear witness to folks changing jobs and industries, receiving $40K pay bumps, and launching new businesses. As an Enneagram 2, being helpful is in my nature. Working as a coach helps me do that and I know I would not have gotten here without leaning into being your local ice cream lady. 

We were talking about the parallels between our kids’ transition into the world and how their reactions to transition show up in other areas of their lives and impact our relationships with them. I shared that Nico, our newly minted five year old, transitioned into the world with forthrightness, clarity, and adamance. And, nothing has changed. His commitment to his vision often gives me agita when he wants something to be in a way that I cannot execute or fix.

Death is a mother. There’s nothing like it to make you appreciate all that you have and remind you of what is important. We’ve all been coping and holding space for our feelings as we acclimate to the new reality of his dad not being with us. It’s going to take some getting used to.

As we all prepare for 2023, you might be thinking about your plans for the new year…you know…what you’ll start, what you’ll stop, and what you look forward to bringing into fruition.

While I did love these lines when I first read them, I don’t feel they are true for everyone. Having babies for love alone and to be the center of said transmission of love, is not enough. As mothers, we are stewards of life, which often requires more love out than in. This level of sacrifice isn’t right for everyone and that is 100% ok.

I have learned so much about myself over these last 10 years. The 2012 version of me and the 2022 version of me are delightfully different. I have both challenged and embraced parts of how I was parented. I have challenged myself on the right ways to parent. And, I am learning more about how to parent our first child and her siblings in ways that honor their unique personalities, interests, and growing edges.

With marathons (and anything) it’s easy to dismiss the desire to push yourself to a limit most wouldn’t dare approach.

As I ponder this question of how to truly be present for our children, I’m really asking, “How can I use my time to steward the life of these people that came from me but who are not me?” I feel like the answer is a suspension of myself and my desire to control everything in their lives to be just so. It is a discipline to not put up a wall between me and them when the emotions are high between us or when they do things that are exactly a reflection of the less attractive parts of me.

I feel like I have so much to say but it’s been hard to figure out what to write about. Almost a year ago I set out to have a weekly practice of corresponding with you about the random happenings and thoughts that I am having as I journey through motherhood.

I’m taking a break from my week-prep planning meeting with myself to share this thought – find time for a mom vacation. Taking vacations and breaks in general are always hard for me. I like to go-go-go and I am not one of those people that finds joy from the trip planning process. It always feels like a chore.

Funny story: I ran into a neighbor-mom yesterday who said that she doesn’t have Monday Scaries because work is her refuge from her kids and when Monday comes she’s like, “Bye!” 😂 I appreciated her candor and honesty because I felt the same in the early days of having our eldest child Ila. Being a present parent when you first start this journey, or even three kids in, is exhausting!

I know they could be doing so much more than they do now. I mean, have you seen Old Enough! on Netflix? If you’re not familiar, it’s a show about Japanese children running errands alone as early as two years old. Our city and country aren’t set up to permit such a freedom for kids or parents, but I figure starting with the basics at home earlier than later can’t hurt.

As some of you know, I’ve been doing a lot of driving over the last few weeks taking the kids to and from my mom’s house for quality one-on-one time. We just dropped off Ila at sleep away camp for a month last week. If the photos they send are any indication, she is living her best life. Zadie, Nico, Nick and I are living life like a family of four though we send Ila letters almost every day.