Surviving
The race I'm not winning...Tap the ❤️ below if you've ever felt like this and, of course, please share it with someone who may find it useful.
This past Wednesday, I thought, “Why am I running this marathon again?” It was hot and humid and I was training in camouflage full legged spandex and a Nike racer back sports bra in Central Park with the NYRR Unlock 26.2 x New Balance group that I joined not too long ago. We were doing 1200m interval drills starting at Dino Mile. I did not eat or hydrate for that evening of training. I felt like I was sweating cold brew. I was definitely on struggle-bus mode.
Image: Selfie while working in our cl-office in the basement of our production space this weekend while Nick was making a flavor for an upcoming collaboration. I was sipping on my fave new cold brew by Dell’Aria in East Harlem.
When I joined this group, the coaches had us do a diagnostic to establish our mile pace. Before the assessment, I opted into Group 5, the run/walk group. But, my results suggested that I should be in Group 4. When I went to practice last Wednesday, I decided to start with Group 4. I learned quickly after the third drill up Dino Mile that I should probably re-join Group 5.
Throughout the drills, the coaches were checking on me to make sure I was ok. I had fallen at least 100 meters behind Group 4 by that third 1200m run. I told them I wasn’t dying and that I was running my own race. Ha! I also shared through my panting breath that I’d rather be at the back of the faster group than the front of the slower group. They didn’t agree with my approach.
One of the coaches, a world-class runner who used to run on the Ethiopian team in the late 80s and early 90s, told me I needed to stay with my pack. When one of the other lead coaches challenged me on my “running my own race” approach, I told him I was externally motivated instead of internally motivated, which I realized as I was saying it made no sense in this context. If that were the case, I’d be trying to keep up with the group.
After I shared this self-reflection with him, which I do believe about myself with other things, I realized that I was just exhausted. I’m training with this group because a mom friend invited me to run the 2026 marathon last year and I said ok. That’s it. I need group accountability to run and I already invested the time and money to qualify for 2026 by running the pre-requisite nine races and volunteering for one last year. There’s no going back now.
At last week’s practice, both coaches told me I could just run at the head of Group 5 after encouraging me to fall back a group, but even that was not tempting. I told them that I didn’t want to be at the front even if I could keep up. And, I’ve been thinking about why since.
Image: Picture from a facility tour I took last week with a landlord I’ve known for almost as long as we have been in business. I was looking at this space, among others, as a possible future home for our larger production facility.
I think there is something about being at the top of the pack that feels exhausting and like affirmation or leadership I don’t particularly need in my life right now. I don’t need the invisible medal of being the fastest in my group or being the one to set the pace. For me, being at the head of something comes with self-imposed, undue pressure to perform and that’s not why I’m running.
If I’m being honest, I’m running this marathon again because I like to do hard things and someone invited me to do it. It’s not because I have a time I want to beat or a number of marathons I want to complete. My only hope is to run a smarter race than I did in my first marathon in 2019 and, of course, to finish.
I feel like I put so much athletic-level effort into living my life raising my children, growing this business, and being a good neighbor. I don’t have athletic-like motivation to eat up these miles.
In my 20s, I leaned into the pain of pushing myself to get faster. I was even able to tap into this in my early 30s a couple of years after having Ila. But now, I’m just tired. I’m leaning into the pain of achieving in life. I don’t need it in my running. Juggling business growth, namely how to build a larger production facility while navigating the high school admission process and being a co-op board secretary for our apartment building offers plenty of long nights and cognitive overload that result in me sometimes feeling literally dizzy from lack of sleep.
Image: The picture my friend who invited me to run the marathon took of me on our first day of training. I sent the picture to Ila so she would be proud of me. 😆
Last week’s training made me feel like I am merely surviving when it comes to working out, which made me think about the practice of “surviving.” When I think of that word, I think about moderate to extreme effort applied to a task or state of being amid utter and pure exhaustion whether in the form of energy or other resources.
Surviving is holding on to a ledge with increasingly sweaty hands while your legs dangle to prevent you from falling while you wait for someone to bring you a ladder. Sometimes surviving is also pain-inducing. I remember the feeling of delivering each of my children (naturally). I felt I was surviving that experience and through it I just closed my eyes and endured until it was over. Shutting off the visual stimulation of my surroundings was the only way I was going to get through the pain in one piece.
It’s funny how amazing things happen when there is pain and when you feel like you’re just surviving though.
On Sunday, someone I hadn’t seen in a while congratulated me. I said, “For what?” And he replied, “On all your success.” I laughed and told him I was exhausted. He gestured to cry fake tears. My intent was not to curry pity, but to be transparent that success sometimes feels like survival and there is pain. Striving requires both.
Next Wednesday, I’ll rejoin Group 5 and commit to pushing myself to stay with the pack but I’m not eager to lead it. Training for this marathon will include some pain, but I’m reserving the extreme pain for growing Sugar Hill Creamery.
Petrushka
Your Local Ice Cream Lady & Life/Business Coach