Some things take 43 years to name. If that lands, the little ❤️ at the bottom helps more people find their way to this corner of the internet. Now, let's get into it.🕯️

On Saturday, Nick and I went to the Emotionally Healthy Relationships workshop at church. I always miss them when they’re offered, but I made a point to attend this one with Nick. My reason for going was to reflect on how my past informs my best present — the way I show up as a wife, mother, and leader in my business. But I was mostly there to better understand how my past informs how I show up in my marriage.

Image: My Preschool class picture, which was taken when my mom and I lived in Long Island with my sisters and dad. This was sent to me last week by Uncle Horace, my mom’s brother.

If you’ve been here for a while, you know I was raised by my mother after my parents divorced when I was around five. I never put too much thought into my dad not being around. My mom made a choice that was right for her, which I perceived as empowering. I had a distant relationship with him — we spoke from time to time after school. I would occasionally call his office to share parts of my day, and I visited him and my sisters in Long Island during summers. As a result of this not-too-intimate relationship, my mother was always afraid that I’d be looking for love in all the wrong places. I ended up finding it at the former Upper West Side haunt 107 West, where I worked as a waitress right after graduating from grad school.

During the workshop, we were prompted to reflect on the negative messages we received about life from our mothers, fathers, and other caretakers. Identifying these messages, in addition to writing down the “earthquake” events in our family’s history, led us to name the cumulative negative messages that are currently powering some of our actions today. What I learned from this exercise was really illuminating.

Images: Ila took these pictures a few weeks on a walk through Central Park. She staged an impromptu proposal photo shoot and made Nick and I say our vows again and under this arch close to the Conservancy Garden. There were three strangers sitting on a bench not far away who got a good laugh. We laughed, too.

Our pastor’s wife shared that if a parent wasn’t present, we should dig into what the message of their absence communicated to us. I had never viewed my father’s emotional absence as something meaningfully missing from my life. My mother chose her peace, and I always felt infinitely loved by her. But my father not cultivating a deep relationship with me never really registered as real sadness or anger in me — until Saturday. He never spoke to me in any way that was abusive or mean, but it’s what he never said or did that were the real messages…and it took me 43 years and a workshop at church to realize that.

The workshop made me realize that I have a lot of unaddressed anger that definitely shows up in my marriage. I can’t blame perimenopause for how quickly I can be triggered by some of Nick’s actions.

Image: Nick staging (stah-zhing) in one of our ice cream friend’s kitchen’s last week to refine some of his techniques.

When our pastor said, “Every relational dysfunction that you experience in the present has its roots in the past,” my anger toward my father and the arguments Nick and I get into made so much sense. He also said, “You can’t change what you are not aware of.” I thought about how strange it is that you can live a whole life feeling pretty reflective, yet not be fully aware of a truth that’s been staring you down the whole time. Now, because of my awareness, I’ll be able to connect a recent argument or disappointing encounter with Nick and explore what pattern from my family of origin showed up — and how it shaped my response.

Maybe you have already uncovered aspects of your shadow self. But if you haven’t, listing the negative messages you received from your parents, plus the earthquake events that led to your cumulative messaging from childhood, is a powerful way of unpacking some of the current dysfunctions in your life.

Now that I am aware of some of mine, I’ll be working on modifying my actions and words toward my husband — so that I can minimize the negative messages I am passing on to my children.

In reflection,

Petrushka

Your Local Ice Cream Lady/Business & Life Coach