Negotiations

“When was your last negotiation?” This is what our class speaker Mori Taheripour, author of Bring Yourself, asked our Goldman Sachs 10KSB class this past week. One person answered that he negotiated a contract a month ago. I answered that I negotiated with my seven-year-old son to take a bath the night before. My answer hit the nail on the head for the point Mori was making: We negotiate every day, whether with our family, friends, co-workers, neighbors or the strangers we sit next to on the subway.

Screengrab from a video a classmate took of me getting community acupuncture at lunch from a holistic doctor who’s also in the program. Taking time to exercise, get massages, and receive or administer other wellness treatments helps build a foundation of worthiness.

She shared that a negotiation shouldn’t be led by brute force; it starts with a face-to-face with ourselves. Her thesis is that negotiation hinges on human connection, but before you can connect with anyone to bring them to your side of things, you need to check in with yourself first. How do you feel about you? Do you believe yourself worthy of the things you are asking for?

I jotted down the following in the margin of my notebook as Mori was talking: “Who am I? What is it that I stand for? As a mother, do I have diminished value? If so, I’m bringing this feeling to all my conversations.”

She shared that if you don’t like yourself your goals will be limited. You don’t get what you don’t ask for, and if you don’t believe yourself worthy of what you’re asking for, you won’t ask for it.

Photo from Nick’s and my recent lunch meeting to lock in his menu plan for the rest of the year. We don’t normally do this and the fact that we now have two weekly standing meetings instead of lots of abbreviated conversations in passing is progress!

I couldn’t stop thinking about how I and so many other mothers I know negotiate at home. Many of us are working while mothering by choice. For me, doing both can prompt some guilt. But more than guilt, I feel frustrated that I’m not able to do both jobs at the level that I’d like. And so, the next question is: “How does my feeling inadequate in both roles impact my baseline expectations and personal boundaries with my loved ones and colleagues?” For me, that has meant shouldering a majority of the domestic tasks at home or not holding my team fully accountable for their actions. While I’ve made progress on letting some home tasks go and holding the line of what will and won’t be tolerated at work, I’m a work in progress on all fronts.

This isn’t a book review, although you should read her book because it does an excellent job of laying out all of the steps of great negotiation in any context. It’s more to highlight that all of us are negotiating big and small details in our life from our sense of self-worth.

I attended the 2nd Annual Athlos hosted by Alexis Ohanian and Serena Williams event this past Friday with Ila and her track team. Seeing these world-class women track stars compete was beyond inspiring. As top performers in their industry, negotiation is paramount in their personal and/or professional lives and I’m sure there have been some deals that fell through because the negotiation did not lean in their favor. But, as Mori shared, sometimes the best deal is the one you walk away from.

What have you not asked for because you thought, “Who am I to ask for it?” Alternatively, what have you negotiated because you were aware of the value of what you brought to what you were asking for?

I had to share this week’s lightbulb moment because knowing your answers to the questions above will have a reverberating impact on all aspects of your life. Read Mori’s book and check in with yourself before you head into your next negotiation, whether it’s a request for your kids to go to bed or your next promotion.

With you,

Petrushka

Your Local Ice Cream Lady & Life/Business Coach

P.S. The Brooklyn Delhi x Sugar Hill Creamery Diwali collab is live! We’re now serving our hot chocolate, and we’ve got some delicious flavs in the dipping case like this Guava Quesito. See you in Harlem!