Perception

The other day, I was chatting with one of my best friends about how people see us. She was saying she wanted to know how others viewed her, and I responded that I didn't really care about people's opinions of me. She snapped back, "It's so important to know how you're coming off to people." I shared that I feel like I have a really good grasp of how people see me. I'm either being read as a really intense and sometimes abrasive person, one of the happiest people you'll ever meet in an almost suspicious way, or some combination of both. There are other impressions as well. For example, I'm sure you all have thoughts about me based on the emails that I send. These might include seeing me as a fatigued mom of three who's building a business with her husband or a mom of three who's somehow able to accomplish a lot. When I told my friend that I didn't care, I meant that however others view me won't change my comfort with who I am.

Me with Julia Pimsleur, a business coach and best-selling author after I keynoted one of her Million Dollar Women events this past week. Julia was my coach a couple of years ago. If you’ve ever worked with a coach, you know they keep it real so that you can grow.

However, just because I'm secure in who I am doesn't mean I'm complacent. Every day, I strive to be a better version of myself. Part of being the best version of me is treating people with love and care. If I'm being perceived otherwise, I'd want to work on improving myself.

In a conversation with my husband yesterday about this very topic, I asked how many people in his life prior to dating me told him about himself. Your friends or family telling you about yourself—your shortcomings and your superpowers—is common within Black women's circles. I am surrounded by people who love me but who will also read me for filth when needed, and I think that's healthy. It can be easy to get offended by someone's candid reflection on how they are experiencing you. And that's fair. Being told about yourself is not easy. Your ego has to look at itself in the mirror and stand down. But in order for us to be the best versions of ourselves, we have to have an ear for the truth, or at least the perceived reality that we are projecting onto the world. It's very easy to get into our own silo of how we believe we are operating, and that can often be fiction.

Me with one of my friends from college after her birthday dinner. There’s nothing like a college friend to “keep it a buck” with you. They knew you “when” and probably know you better than most.

What I've found is that making space for others to give feedback with love is a bonding mechanism for us to connect more deeply with them but also for us to connect more deeply with ourselves. It also builds thicker skin for navigating the world, which can be cruel—folks will tell you about yourself without love.

Having the wherewithal to hear, decipher, and integrate feedback from the people who love us most is almost its own superpower, but it really should be a norm. Admittedly, it does require vulnerability and a sense of security in who you are to receive the message, but we can be better if we can.

I'm curious: do you have people in your life that tell you about yourself? Let me know if this is just me and my friends and family.

Here's to surrounding ourselves with people who can tell us who we are and with whom we can do the same. This is one of the purest forms of connection and togetherness.

Petrushka

Your Local Ice Cream Lady & Life/Business Coach