Guides

I was raised by a single mother. She and my father divorced when I was about five years old. We moved from Long Island, New York, to Northwest DC, where she had been relocated for a new anchor position a year or so prior, towards the end of their relationship.

She didn’t have parents, siblings, or cousins around when we moved to DC. It was just me and her. But where she lacked familial bonds, she more than made up for it with friends that I would call Aunties.

Image: Me with one of my Guides...Aunt Debbie who is one of my mom’s friends. They’ve known each other since I was in third grade. She used to pick me up from school and has been a consistent source of affirmation and loving feedback since I was a child. She just watched our kids last month when Nick and I were at the ice cream mastermind.

Between my sister, who is nine years my senior, my godsister, who is seven years my senior, and these surrogate aunties, I was surrounded by adults who cared about my development as a person. They picked me up from school and they picked up the phone when I was bored. Whether I wanted to vent about some school drama or complain about my own mother, they listened to me and advised me when I asked for it. They didn’t parent me, though. They were my Guides—the people that helped shepherd me through adolescence into adulthood.

My mother’s and my parenting landscape is a bit different—I parent with Nick while she parented me alone. But what I’ve carried from how she raised me is the approach of making sure our children have Guides. Their biological and chosen aunties play a role, as well as their coaches and teachers.

Images (L-R): Me with one of my best friends aka Aunty Jessie; Ila and Zadie with Aunty Jessie's kids aka their cousins GG and Pearl at a recent dance recital they organized

I have felt fortunate that Ila has found Guides in her track coaches. They know her well, call her out when it’s needed, and challenge her to push towards excellence during every practice and meet. I have watched her evolution over the last year, and I know it’s because of their influence in her life. Recently, Ila texted one of them from my phone with a question and she just asked the question without a “hello” or “good afternoon.” Her coach replied that she needed to resend her message with a proper introduction because what she sent was not respectful. Ila has never sent a blanket question to anyone again. Her coaches care about her performance on the track as well as her development as a human.

Zadie recently started ballet, and her teacher is the perfect balance of strict and loving—she is great! She demands focus and great posture but won’t make a child feel bad for not being able to execute a dance move. She inspires them to reach their potential without shaming them or pitting students against each other. Zadie told me the other day that the teacher told her that whatever she told herself she could or could not do would be her outcome. I say this all the time—but she only heard it from her dance teacher. I can’t wait to see how she develops under her instruction.

Images (L-R): Zadie getting ready for ballet; Zadie's class in session from outside the classroom since parents are not allowed in.

I’d argue that these Guides are shaping who our kids are becoming. The non-parental voice of authority has guided them in ways they may not accept from me as their parent. And I believe they will be more well-balanced as a result. Getting correction and guidance from non-parental voices of authority who care for you like an aunt helps mold children into better leaders and collaborators. Between receiving critique, affirmation, and advice, children become more durable to the words of their peers and future colleagues.

It’s so easy to shut out non-parent adult voices because, let’s be real, you likely want to be in control of your child. But there’s so much benefit in letting other people in. These voices can help discipline our children so the burden does not fall entirely to us, which allows us to parent without dominating the relationship with admonishment masked as guidance.

Petrushka

Your Local Ice Cream Lady & Life/Business Coach